


let me prove it to you

by lizardcookie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Its fluffy angst, dating jily, i think, idk ive written a lot of fights for them and this time lilys in the wrong, jily, relationship jily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-10 04:01:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20129020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizardcookie/pseuds/lizardcookie
Summary: He wasn’t really sleeping, anyway, so of course he noticed the noises he would have usually slept through. The old creak of the door, the crunch of parchment that littered Remus’ bedside, the soft thud of a misguided foot colliding with Sirius’ open trunk. His bed curtains are closed so he can’t see the intruder, but he’s got a pretty good guess at who would be making their way towards his bed in the boy’s dormitory past— he checks his wizard’s watch and swears silently— two in the morning.





	let me prove it to you

He wasn’t really sleeping, anyway, so of course he noticed the noises he would have usually slept through. The old creak of the door, the crunch of parchment that littered Remus’ bedside, the soft _ thud _of a misguided foot colliding with Sirius’ open trunk. His bed curtains are closed so he can’t see the intruder, but he’s got a pretty good guess at who would be making their way towards his bed in the boy’s dormitory past— he checks his wizard’s watch and swears silently— two in the morning.

He hadn’t been asleep, so it doesn’t matter that she was coming to wake him up. How could he be asleep after the row they’d had? His mind wouldn’t quiet the nagging insecurities that seemed to play on loop, and he’d even tried going for a jaunt in the Forest after a couple of calculated falls on the Quidditch Pitch failed to distract himself. Being Prongs usually helped in such times, and it’s hard to focus on relationship issues when trying to save a Quaffle just inches above the ground before pulling up again. Even after the usual remedies, he was stuck in this dull pit of a foul mood. 

Reality being what it was, he was awake in bed and she was coming to talk whether he liked it or not.

So it’s James who reaches out to open his bed curtain before she has the chance to, and he’s met with the blurry image of Lily Evans in an oversized sleep shirt that hits her at mid-thigh, her hand hovering out in front of her as she gave a quiet squeak of surprise. She looked a bit trapped, eyes wide and mouth open, which is ironic considering that he was the one being cornered down. Her eyes flick briefly between him and the door, and James realizes that she was conflicted. Maybe she had yet to decide whether she was going to wake him or not, but it was too late for her to avoid things now as well. At least they were on the same page about that. 

Still, he stared out from his bed as she stared back at him in a moment of awkwardness for them both. He waited for her to speak first.

“I-I know you’re mad at me,” Lily whispered, still standing at the edge of the bed, moonlight hitting her eyes just so. They seemed brighter than usual, more glassy. Even without his glasses, he could see that she’d been crying. “I know you’re still mad at me and that’s okay, because I know I was rotten and I know it’s so p-pathetic to just come up here and expect you to be okay with me.” 

She’s right, of course— she usually is.

“I shouldn’t bother you,” Lily sniffed, running the back of her hand across her cheek to smudge away a tear. “I know that. It’s just…. I don’t want to be alone tonight.” 

It’s not a sight he’s used to seeing. Lily tends to be of the stubbornly positive and cheerful persuasion, and this sort of raw sadness is new— and maybe it’s exactly what he needed to see. Hadn’t he just spent the evening wishing her to be more open with him? He studies her evenly, eyes squinted reduce some of the blurriness around her, and he sighs.

“C’mere, Evans.” James muttered, lifting the comforter up for Lily to clamber under, and in just a moment she is there with him. Her bare legs are cold as they tangle up between his own knobby set, and she wrapped her arms around him, poking at his torso until she could maneuver beneath his body to hold him in a hug. James doesn’t deny her any of this, but he lay stiff, not yet willing to reciprocate the intimacy. Still, he places his chin gently atop her head when she buries her face in his neck, and his hand plays absentmindedly with the hem of her night shirt. 

If there had been any question about Lily Evans’ hold over him before this, those doubts have certainly been vanquished now as he allowed her into his bed, all the while being thoroughly pissed at her. James didn’t feel it necessary to dwell on whether this was a good thing or a bad thing. He simply lay there, her body wrapped around his, and feels her chest heave in shaky, uneven breaths. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, the garbled words leaving hot breath tickling his neck as he feels a spot of wetness grow there. She was crying again. “About everything. I’ve fucked it all up and it’s my fault. You have every right to h-hate me, but please, just... don’t.”

His hand at her back stilled, and he could tell by her upset intake of breath that she noticed, and has read too much into it. James sighed. “I don’t hate you, Lily.”

“You have reason to.” Her fingers twirled delicate circles on his t-shirt, dragging the fabric around. 

He shrugged one shoulder and feels her weight shift with the motion, ever hyper aware of the feel of her. From before the first time he got to hold her hand, to stroke her hair, to feel her lips pressed against his, he’d been aware or her. Usually it’s as intoxicating as winning, but now he thinks it may just be a curse playing him for a fool.

James doesn’t answer her. Maybe he can get a few hours of sleep, maybe this can wait until morning, maybe—

“I hate myself for messing everything up with you,” she whispered. “But I just don’t see how anything could be different. I don’t see what I did wrong.”

Or maybe not.

James, turning over abruptly, disengaged himself from her. If they were going to fight again, they would do it right, dammit. He reached out an arm to yank back the bed curtains, fumbling for his wand on the bedside table and knocking over his old snitch and glass of water in the process. He felt Lily’s body topple over his, the pair a tangled mess of limbs until she successfully grabbed the wand he had been trying (failing) to find. 

“_ Muffliato,” _Lily muttered, turning James’ wand gently over with a delicate wrist spin as she did. The wand obeyed, clear from the breeze that fluttered the curtains and the light buzz in the air.

James eyed the thin mahogany in slight distaste, muttering something about ‘unfaithful sticks’ that he could find a new place for. In another twirl of her wrist, his glasses came flying towards into her hands. She handed both his possessions over wordlessly.

“Thanks,” James mumbled, feeling again time a heavy sort of awkwardness before them as Lily pulled her pale knees closer to her, arms wrapping around herself protectively.

“I’m sorry,” she spoke into the little nook she created with her body. “You shouldn’t have to see me cry like this. Not after the way I yelled today.”

He sat with his own legs crossed, elbows resting heavily on his knees, rubbing a tired hand across his forehead. “We just spent _ all evening _going over this, Evans, and you still don’t get it. Merlin, I thought you were bright.”

“Yeah, well, now you _ really _ know I’m not.”

“Shit, I— that’s not what I meant.” 

She spoke bitterly. “I’m failing classes and failing as a girlfriend, and now you finally know both.”

“And I shouldn’t have learned it from McGonagall!” Hurt passed over him in fresh waves, and he was back in McGonagall’s office, having all the enjoyment of discussing Quidditch Cup strategies leave when the Head of House asked him how Lily’s extra work is going with Sprout.

“I only ask because I haven’t seen much improvement in our own sessions,” Professor McGonagall had said, casual as can be, “and I thought you may be able to help. I don’t think it’s the content itself causing her trouble, but everything else.”

She shooed him out her office with a simple, “Thanks for your help, James, and tell your mother that I’m sorry for missing our last tea.”

James found her that evening in the greenhouses, cursing over herbs that refused to obey whatever charm she was muttering, and things went downhill the moment she tried to lie her way out of an explanation. And here, James found Lily’s eyes again and failed to find comfort there. 

“Moony told me when you had to go to the Hospital Wing because Avery tried to pull some shit, and Peter told me you’ve been crying in the Astronomy Tower, and I just— Merlin, I don’t know,” James sighed, petulant and dejected, because he was in _ love _with Lily Evans and it seemed like she didn’t get that after months of dating. He rubbed his face with a tired hand. “You can tell me those things, you know. I want to know those things as much as I want to know your favorite potion or weird Muggle band. We both have our own secrets,” he admitted, knowing full and well that he could be seen as a hypocrite as an Animagi of questionable origins, “I’m not trying to force all your baggage into the open, because there’s a lot I haven’t told you yet too... But if you aren’t willing to trust me with stuff like a couple of T’s on your essays, then I don’t really know what we’re doing here.”

“I didn’t think it was a big deal,” Lily said in a near emotionless voice. “I didn’t want you to know and I didn’t want you to be concerned about it.”

“If it was just those T’s then we wouldn’t be having this fight! But it’s not, it’s your sister bothering you and Avery preying on you… And you never thought it important to mention, even when I asked explicitly what was wrong. It’s the lying I don’t get.” He paused. It’s easier to be indignant than honest, but by Godric he wanted to get through this fight properly. “It’s like, after all is said and done, you don’t want anything to do with me. It’s like you don’t take me seriously.”

That’s what he hadn't been able to articulate earlier, with Lily getting too defensive to reason with and him getting too frustrated to be rational. A hollow feeling settled in his gut, anchoring him there on the bed, forcing him to delve deeper into the possibility that maybe they wouldn’t make it. Maybe distance— casualness— is what Lily wanted, and exactly what he couldn’t give. Years of waiting for her to notice him in the right way, years of slowly working towards actual maturity, had made him impatient for more, more, more. The good times with Lily, her laugh and her touch and her heart, felt better than any joy he had experienced, better than his racing broom and better than running around as Prongs. 

Everything good about Lily Evans was so much more intoxicating than he could have ever imagined, and he was a fool in love. When Lily breaks the silence, she nearly breaks him, too.

“Then why haven’t you done it?” She asked, bitterness driving all sweetness from her voice, taking him aback, confirming all his fears at once. “Why haven’t you left me yet?”

James mustered more courage than he believed he had, surprising himself with the ability to ask, “Do you… want me to?”

“_ No _,” Lily emphasized, shaking her head slightly as her voice shook as well. “No, I don’t. I’m terrified you will, though.”

“Lily, I—“ He reached for her hand, hoping for something to anchor the both of them in this place, but she pulled out of his reach.

“I know you, James. _ Know _ you. I know that you’re the only person in the entire world Sirius truly listens too, I know you’re endlessly patient with Peter and endlessly supportive for Remus. I know you’re bold and kind and confident and— and _ good _, which is hard to find these days.” She palmed an errant tear that fell from her eye, heavy and slow. “I also know you’re impulsive and angry and quick to judge. You’re arrogant and still have to learn the boundary between humor and cruelty at times. And in the end I don’t care, because there’s so much more to you that I want to know.” James had to listen closely, because her voice was thick and she had to stop to collect herself before carrying on. “It’s hard to see all this and know I haven’t been enough for you.”

“Haven’t been enough?” James sputtered, feeling remarkably similar to all the times before he’s gotten whiplash. Lily just shrugged into her knees again. 

“You deserve someone who can repay your loyalty because I don’t know if I can. I don’t think I can be everything you ask me to be.”

“Lily,” He said, still trying to stave off that confusion and indignation. “I have no idea what you’re going on about. I never said—"

“Wait.” She held out her hand for him to stop, taking a deep breath. It was fear rather than command that held his tongue, that kept him rooted in place rather than reaching for her and wrapping her completely in his arms and erasing the fact that they’d ever fought in the first place. 

“Wait,” she repeated herself. “I meant what I said. You deserve better. You deserve someone who can tell you the truth, and so I might as well start being that, as I should have been from the beginning.” She took a long, steadying breath.

“I don’t exactly have the best track record with relationships. You met Petunia. You saw how she talked to me— or didn’t talk, rather— and she’s my oldest friend.” Lily even smiled. “She’s my oldest friend, and look where that led. And I know you don’t like him, but Severus was my best friend, too. I would have done anything to make him happy, to keep him from that crowd, and I failed. And then Mary left. She didn’t come back after break and I _ know _ I can’t blame her for going into hiding, but there’s still this ugly part of me that can’t believe she abandoned me like that.”

Her voice was quiet, laden with guilt that James can’t understand. “There’s a reason Tuney hates me, and there’s a reason Severus thinks I’m nothing but a filthy Mudblood, and there’s more than just hiding as the reason why Mary doesn’t even want to talk to me. Every time I let people in, James, they leave. They must be able to see the real me a lot better than I can, and they decide I’m not worth the trouble.”

Lily hugged her legs tighter to her body, her chin propped on her knees and her expression coated in a sort of sheepishness as she continued on. 

“So, I thought that if you never saw the real me, you wouldn't leave me like the others. One of my more brilliant plans, I’d say.” She gave him a watery smirk, trying to instill humor into the least funny conversation they’d had together yet. “The execution just hasn’t gone as planned.”

For the first time in what feels like an eternity, James finds enough footing to open his mouth to retort.

“Don’t do this,” he said, though it came out as more snappish and more desperate in tone in tone than he had intended. “Don’t shut me out of your life.”

“I’m not shutting you out,” Lily soothed with what she obviously thought was reason. “I’m trying to help you.”

“Help I never asked for!”

“What is the alternative, then?” She asked defiantly. “Have you grow tired of me? Decide I’m not worth the effort? No. This makes more sense. I can take care of myself because that’s what I learned to do and I’ve managed fine for a while now.”

“Is that what you want of me?” James cut out, face hard. “To be half a man to be with you? To ask for only one half of you?”

“It’s the better half, I assure you,” she said, placatingly. “How many times do I have to say that?”

The anger in his stomach reached his chest, his lungs, his voice. 

“Hopefully never again,” James shook his head once, emphatically, trying to shake off what she was saying. “I’m not buying it. I’m not your sister and I’m sure as hell not Snape. I’m me. I’m James and you’re Lily, and that’s enough. That’s always been enough for me.” He paused, collected himself. “It’s not fair for you to decide what’s best for me.”

She was still sitting with her arms wrapped protectively around her legs, but James could practically see her dig her heels into the ground when she said matter-of-factly, “You’ve never seen the rest of me.”

“Not for lack of me trying.” James said, feeling the bitterness leave a bad taste in his mouth as the words escaped his lips.

“You still aren’t listening to me,” Lily shook her head in what seemed like pity. “What don’t you understand? I don’t _ want _you knowing that part of me. Being with you has meant everything to me the last few months. The least I can do in return is to make it simpler for you, which is what I’ve been trying to do. Can’t we just move on and forget it?”

“I’m not going to indulge a lie, Lily.” His voice was hard. “I’m not going to reward you for lying to me by pretending this is okay just because you want me to.”

“I’m not lying!” She cut back indignantly, face flushed and desperate. “I’m giving you the best part of me, not the part you shouldn’t have to worry about.”

“And look how well that turned out,” he bit out with resentment. He continued with equal fire. “I don’t care that it’s messy or that you’re not the perfect Lily Evans I thought I fancied in fifth year. I found that out a long time ago.”

“Have you really, though?” Her eyes flashed. “You don't know who I am. You just think you know the girl you glorified for years.”

He didn’t respond. Lily hadn’t expected him to, and she didn’t speak again for a long while.

“The worst I’ve done is been half of me for you. I know I betrayed your trust,” she said, quietly. “And I can't guarantee I won’t do it again, because this is how I got used to being the last time someone close to me decided I wasn’t worth it. Wasn’t worth anything.” 

He knew she meant Snape and knew that he’d really be a fool to start fighting about Snivellus now of all times. Another fight for a better time. He sighed, feeling the bed creak beneath him, feeling the weight of it all press into him. Tentatively, James reached his hand out to grab her’s, prying her out of the white-knuckled grip she was holding herself together with.

Lily stared at him, expectantly or despondently— it really was harder to read her now. 

“I don’t know how to convince you that I’m not going to leave. I think I’ve just spent hours trying to do that.” James spoke to her hands, to his thumbs rubbing circles on her skin. He whispered, “But I think I get it now.”

She didn’t say anything immediately. She did, however, drag her body across the bed to be closer to his, to have their knees touch now. 

“I get it now, too. I’m sorry, James. I really am.”

She knew that he knew that she meant it. 

“Can you do one thing for me?” James held her in his gaze with the same grounding intensity in which he still held her hands in his. “Could you just give me a chance to keep proving that to you? Can you give me enough of a chance to show you I’m not going anywhere, no matter what?”

She paused, weighing his words. Weighing him. And quietly, but firmly and genuinely, Lily answered. 

“Yes.” 

James felt his eyes prickle with something, relief or exhaustion or both, but didn’t let the moisture escape. What he did instead was release her hands so he could cup his around her cheeks, giving her the softest of kisses on her forehead, holding her there.

His _ I love you _was spoken in the way he hugged her, in the warmth of his body around hers as he propped his chin on her head, a shelter. 

Her _ I love you, too _was spoken in the way her breathing moved in rhythm with his, with the way her arms wrapped around his chest and she tucked her head under his, listening to his heart beat loud then slow, mirroring her own.

What James said out loud instead was something along the lines of, “Now can we please, _ please _ for the love of all things Merlin and Morgana held dear, go to sleep.”

And it is back to where they began, two sets of knobby knees and arms and hearts irrevocably intertwined in more ways than just the physical. When sleep comes not but a minute later, it’s with the acceptance of knowing that this is neither their first nor worst fight. It’s with the peace of the promise of more reunions like this.

**Author's Note:**

> "c'mere evans" is my forever homage to commentarius because that fic shaped me as a human being and im always thinking about comm!james and comm!lily....... hope they're okay. also? i re-read a bunch of my work and realized i only write one thing over and over again so please dont read my archives.


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